Sore ? Is it just me or?

Is it just me but every time i tie a string of stinging nettles round my small and then attach electrodes to my testicles and surge 3000 volts through them till they bleed and then put red hot crocodile clamps onto my erect , the next day my is red raw, my testicles are black and shrivelled,and my are sore. Anyone out there know any reason why this is? Is it maybe i,m using the wrong washing powder, or maybe the fact i,ve changed my soap!! Bloody cosmetic companys are always mucking about with things arent they? Why cant they leave things alone, it would stop a lot of unessesary pain for people like me. Thanks for any helpful answers in advance. Im off now to nail my **** cheeks to a tree with a high powered nail gun.